Mira Furlan - Blog

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February 10, 2012

Writing this blog seems to be impossible.

That's why the only solution is writing about the impossibility of writing.

How do you do that?

You list the reasons that prevent you from writing.

Here they are:

  1. I have no desire to do it.
  2. I don't know why I do it.
  3. I don't know who I'm addressing it to.
  4. I don't know if anybody ever reads it.
  5. I don't want to do it.
  6. I am unable to choose a theme from a billion threads in my head.
  7. I feel like I'm wasting my own time and the time of my potential readers.
  8. I would rather lie in my bed with my cat and the book I'm reading on this rainy, cozy day in LA.
  9. I would actually do anything else but write.
  10. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it.
Well, ok then, don't do it.

Yes, but then I'm giving up on the noble idea of continuity.

Who cares about continuity?

I care about continuity. You give yourself little tasks and try to accomplish them.

Why do you feel that your life will make more sense if you succeed in accomplishing self-imposed tasks that nobody required from you in the first place? Has it occurred to you that these "tasks" that you're talking about are just a way to fill your own time and create an illusion of being "accomplished" and "fulfilled"?

Yes, it has occurred to me.

Then why bother?

Why bother about anything then?

You're absolutely right: why bother about anything?

I have no answer to that. You obviously want to undermine my need to do something worthwhile.

Ha, ha! Please forgive me but I must laugh. Something worthwhile? Who are you kidding?

Well, don't be so harsh. Who are you to judge what's worthwhile and what's not?

Oh, I don't even pretend to be the ultimate judge of "worthwhile-ness". I'm just asking questions. That's my only job.

Yeah, I noticed that. There is never anything positive and encouraging coming from you. Your only wish is to undermine all my efforts.

Oh, please! C'mon! Here's that awful self – pity again! And your constant readiness to accuse anybody else but yourself! You should be grateful to me for questioning your actions. Or in-actions. Say: thank you.

You're truly ridiculous! I'm not going to say "thank you" to you. I have to fight with you about every single action I take. You never leave me alone to do what I want to do. You always come after me with a billion questions, a billion doubts and negative thoughts. Why don't you just shut up?

Because you don't want me to shut up. You want me to be here, vigilant and observant and rude and truthful. Can you imagine your life without me?

Yes! I would love my life without you! I would be happy and free. I would not think. I would feel and play and enjoy myself.

You would probably be dead without me by your side.

Ha! You really have an inflated image of yourself. Who do you think you are?

I'm your inner censor. I'm your conscience. I'm your brain.

I don't want you in my life. I think you should just leave and let me do what I want.

Sorry, I can't do that. I'm here to stay.

But why? What do you want from me?

I'm programmed to question all your actions, including the writing of your so called blog. I have to ask you: why do you do it?

........

Why don't you answer me? Why are you silent?

Because I don't know.

Ok, that's a valid answer. Do you think you should have a clear reason for any action in your life, including writing this piece on this rainy day in January 2012?

I don't know. Should I?

I don't know either. Some people tend to think that there should be reason behind every action. But then again, who knows? Life is not always rational. We do things for reasons that we don't understand. We do things for no reason at all.

It's nice to hear something like this from you. I like you when you're a little bit more understanding, a little bit gentler and softer. Thank you.

Oh, no problem. I can be anything you want me to be. And really, who am I to prevent you from writing this silly piece? Go on, do it and put it up there, why not? Leave reason behind.

I will. Thank you for letting me do that. I will put it "up there". It will be my contribution to the idea of senseless action and unreasonable way of living. You ask me: why? And I answer: why not?

Yeah, that sounds unreasonable enough. Do it! I'm giving you my permission.

Thank you. You're very kind. I appreciate it.

No problem. Thank you for letting me off the hook. Do you think I enjoy my thankless job? Do you think it's easy to be your partner in this messy thing called "your life"?

Well, if you're so unhappy with your role in my life, then go away. I'll be much happier without you.

You know I can't do that. You won't let me.

.......

You're silent again. You know you need me. And you don't like it.

Ah, shut up already. I'm finishing this piece anyway. As soon as it's finished, you'll be gone.

Why don't you finish it then? And kill me, at least for a while?

I will. I am. This is it. The last sentence. The last word. The last period.

Really?

Yes. The end.

Are you sure?

Yes!

Are you sure 100%?

YES! YES! YES!

Got it. Adios!

Finally! I'M FREE! Hurray!!!!


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