By an anonymous observer
She spent the summer hibernating. Didn’t write. Even opening the computer seemed like a huge and unnecessary effort. What is her problem? Why is communication with the world becoming such a thorny issue? While the whole world is madly communicating, making connections, networking and schmoozing, the only thing she wants to do is to be alone, sharing her world with only the chosen few. While everybody is frantically connecting, she is passionately disconnecting. But then, guess what – she dares to complain: that she’s lonely, that nobody cares about her and her work, that she doesn’t feel loved or appreciated. What madness! That’s precisely the problem with this person: she cannot decide what she wants. Or who she is. Who she wants to be.
Her other big issue is consistency. She was never good at that. Maybe that’s why she became an actor. There was something in that profession that appealed to her: nothing lasts long, everything changes all the time, you “drift from scene to scene” (in Dylan’s words), floating and never landing. It appealed to her ungrounded, airy nature.
But then again, floating above ground left her feeling lost and unanchored. She desperately tried to ground herself. Whenever she succeeded though, she felt trapped almost immediately and desperately tried to float off again.
So, maybe we can leave this person to her own devices. Since, obviously, she cannot be helped. What’s the matter with her? Is she ever going to find her peace?
I have to say that sometimes (most of the times) I’m incredibly irritated by her. You offer your help but she refuses it and even gets insulted when you give her a piece of well intentioned advice. It can be really annoying. I heard some people say she’s crazy. I’m beginning to believe that.
Still, there is something in her that doesn’t let me abandon her. So, I’m sticking around, trying to figure out what the heck her problem is. I’ll try to report on her state of mind occasionally. I have no idea if any of you, my dear readers, are even interested. But I’ll do it anyway. I’m stuck with her. I cannot leave her. I tried many times, but I always come back to her. Who knows why. So, as I feel overwhelmed by this person and as I sometimes feel I cannot carry the burden of her heavy self, I decided to share her story with you. Whether you like it or not. I hope you can ease my load and help me find a solution for this interesting but highly dysfunctional human specimen.